I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize