hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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