when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
