i just had sex bonerless
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
What drink are we having for lunch?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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