and you said cock pushups were impossible
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
