i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
