My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
