i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
