Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
