my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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