you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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