Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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