Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
