No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
