I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
