Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
