every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
