dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Randomize
