Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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