After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
