I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
