yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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