you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
