My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How does it feel to date your dad?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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