if you like me you must not know who I am
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
