We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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