My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
