My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
