Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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