I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
