she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize