I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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