Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
