he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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