dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
