i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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