i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
