just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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