Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
