Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
