Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
