my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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