I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
