Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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