I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
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