I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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