i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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