I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
