i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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