I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
