My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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