My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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