After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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