I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
