Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
