I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just invented taco cereal.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize